Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
