Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
