Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
he's gonorrhea incarnate
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
