Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
