now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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