FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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