I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
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I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
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i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." π ππ·
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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