Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
