i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Randomize
