I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
