Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
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