I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
