After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
