Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
this beer tastes like vomit already
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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