I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
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