party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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