i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
