searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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