omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Randomize
