Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Randomize
