I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize