fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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