Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
