she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
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