I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
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