come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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