Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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