After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
