when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
