I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
please don't ironically join a cult
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