i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
