this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
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