i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
