Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
