Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
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