I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
You should frame my arrest warrant.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
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