So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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