i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
They have beer where we have blood.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
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