Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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