Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
