I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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