Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
