Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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