im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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