Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Randomize
