But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
