The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
