i need an iv and a liver transplant
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
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