out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
