Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
