I wish my penis had an off switch
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
