Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Randomize
