I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
