i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
