I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
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why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
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For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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