Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
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