this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
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