Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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